Lazy Sunday Bitch!

I’m too lazy and tired to come up with a good post. So here is a favorite video of mine.

It’s a rip off of SNL’s Lazy Sunday, but it’s still awesome!

Iraq conflict passes WWII

Nothing funny about this. The Iraq war has officially lasted longer than World War II. Way to over-achieve Dubya! World War II lasted 1348 days and now you’re “War on Terror” has lasted many days more with no end in site. While the casualty totals are know where near WWII the 3000 dead US Soldiers and 25,000 Injured Soldiers along with hundreds of thousands dead Iraqis are nothing to be proud about. If the words “cut and run” scare you come up with some new ones and get the hell out of Iraq! This is not your war to lose!

Million Dollar Deal!

This goes out to my homie BIG WILL

Ironic Post: Clay Aiken Allergic to Nuts

Singer Clay Aiken battles allergy to nuts, complains about frequent rash on chin.

Read All About It

Don’t Forget the Fries!

It’s Never Too Early

Christmas is coming and you’re looking for that one special gift for the young lady in your life. Well look no more. Tesco (the Costco of Europe) is offering the Peek-a-Boo pole dancing game, complete with instructional DVD, “Sexy dance garter” and chrome pole (extendible to over 8ft!).

Advertised to “Unleash the sex kitten inside...simply extend the Peek-a-Boo pole inside the tube, slip on the sexy tunes and away you go! Soon you'll be flaunting it to the world and earning a fortune in Peek-a-boo Dance Dollars". This is clearly the holiday gift of the season. Forget the Playstation 3 or the TMX Elmo; this is a gift that’s not only fun, but educational. That’s right girls, you’ll no longer require a creepy uncle (who enjoys giving massages while watching Hillary Duff videos) to join the world of clothing optional dancing. Fifty dollars and a Tesco membership is all it takes! Santa my have the North Pole but Tesco has the Peek-a-Boo Pole!

Buy yours today: Tesco Peek-A-Boo Pole Dancing Game

Happy Thanksgiving!

Pardon Me!

This picture was so great that I just couldn’t choose one caption. So I leave it up to you. Please post your favorite under the comments section.

• The democrats wanted him to stop, but Bush insisted that he stay the course.
  
• He would have made the turkey stop if she didn’t have such great breasts.
  
• A bird in crotch is worth two on Bush.
  
• I can only withdraw once the Turkey wants me to withdraw.
  
• Clearly Bush was still confused on what it meant to stimulate the economy.
  
• As you can see my friends, this is what gay marriage leads to.
  
• Operation Butterball was in full effect.
  
• “Oh No!” cried the senator in the red tie. “The turkey’s attacking his only working brain!”
  
• That’s the dumbest turkey ever, and that birds not so smart either.
  
• “Look at the bird” laughed Bush “I think I’ll call it Condi”.
  
• That’s Bush for you, always accepting bribes.
  
• Unfortunately it’s the least offensive thing Bush has done in years.

Best Tattoo Ever!

Kramer’s a Racist!

Not nearly as funny as Seinfeld’s “What’s the deal with Mexican’s” routine.

Racing Grannies

In continuation of my “Coolest Gifts Ever” section I submit to you the Racing Grannies. Quite possibly the best gift featuring high speed blue hairs ever! Just wind them up and let them race, should one fall over just scream “Oh no Nanna broke a hip” and start again. Its fun for the whole family, including your real granny who can no longer race (or hold her bladder).

Buy Yours Here

Mike Tyson is a Hooker!

Hey ladies, have you been dreaming about paying a fantastic amount of money to sleep with a convicted rapist? Heidi Fleiss thinks so. In what may be the strangest Mike Tyson story since… well the last Mike Tyson story comes news that he will soon be a male escort? Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss has purchased 60 acres of land in Nevada and is building a legalized brothel for women. While this might seem like a genius idea, since it’s so hard for women to get laid, Heidi knew she would need a little more punch (pun intended) to draw the ladies in. Ms. Fleiss has high hopes for Tyson, the once heavyweight champion of the world - despite the fact he is a convicted rapist. She had this to say of the former ear biter, "I told him, 'You're going to be my big stallion.' "It's every man's fear that their girlfriend will go for Mike Tyson." Tyson, 40, adds, "I don't care what any man says, it's every man's dream to please every woman - and get paid for it."

Keep your eyes peeled for Tyson’s Craigslist ad:

Former heavy weight champion of the world. Likes wet-willies, rough play, long walks on the beach and eating children. Dislikes smokers, Evander Holyfield, Don King and the IRS. Call me and we will go out for a bite.

--------------- May the Force Be With You! ------------------------------- (because nobody else is) -----------------

The day has come for the Jedi. On November 16th they shall rise up from their parent’s basements and attempt to use their Jedi mind tricks on UN officials. For those of you who are clearly less informed than me, the 16th is the UN International Day of Tolerance, which is aimed at emphasizing the dangers of intolerance and promoting integration and cohesion across the globe.

Two self-proclaimed Jedis Umada and Yunyun are calling for the UN to acknowledge what has become Britain's fourth largest ‘religion’ with 390,000 followers. Umada, 27, and Yunyun, 24, both from London, want the day to be renamed the ‘Interstellar Day of Tolerance’ to reflect millions of people across the globe who have chosen to follow the Jedi code as a religion and truly reflect social diversity.

YES IT’S TRUE: In the 2001 UK Census 390,000 people listed their religion as Jedi Knight making it the fourth biggest belief in the country. There are also an estimated 70,000 Jedi knights in Australia, 53,000 in New Zealand and 20,000 in Canada.

Should your attempts fail young Jedi, please remember the words of the greatest Jedi ever;

"Size matters not! Judge me by my size, do you?"

Yoda--The Empire Strikes Back

In other words it’s not the size of your lightsaber but rather how you use it to strike down Sith Lords.

Read More On This Story

Now Who's the Tool?

Since we are getting close to Christmas, I thought it would be a great time to start the search for the coolest gift ever. I plan to search high and low and I will periodically update you with my cool gift ideas. So to kick it off right, I introduce to you the coolest fridge ever!

This is the Craftworks Toolbox Refrigerator. On the outside it looks like your standard run-of-the-mill tool chest, but within its bountiful insides lies not a hammer or drill but rather crisp adult beverages that will get you hammered and drilled…I don’t know where I was going with that second pun but you get the idea. This thing rocks!

Watch for future cool items in the coming days as we countdown to overspending all in the lords name. Amen!

Daddy Does God Hate Me?

Of course not son, you’re a heterosexual white male.

Actually God loves and cares for us all, and so does artist Jack Chick unless of course you’re a dirty:

Muslim
Mason
Catholic
Gay
Missionary
Mormon
Pro-Choice Advocate
Jehovah Witness
Communist
Witch
Hindu
Or Buddhist

But then of course he feels compassion for you unless you:

Believe in Evolution
Celebrate Halloween
Like to Party
Practice Magic
Or play Dungeons & Dragons.

He really is the Simon Cowell of the Christian world (extremely judgemental!)

In Relate News: "Judge not, that ye be not judged.” (Matthew 7:1-5)

Minjas Will Kill Your Ass!

Life's burning questions keeping you awake at night?

Well wonder no more, just Ask a Ninja!

Here we ask if midgets can be ninjas.

Check out this bad-ass sight, or be killed! www.askaninja.com

A Burger to Die For!

The Heart Attack Grill in Tempe, Arizona is certainly doing their part in fattening up the nation. Their “Quadruple Bypass Burger” comes loaded with four slabs of beef, three cheese layers, four bacon strips and a dash of lettuce and tomatoes for you health freaks. This monstrosity weighs in at an unhealthy 2 plus pounds and contains a weeks worth of calories (8000 to be exact). For those of you not ready for an instant coronary they offer the slightly smaller triple and double bypass burgers as well as the equally hard core “Flatliner Fries” which are lovingly fried in pure lard. But the best part of this totally kick-ass restaurant is the waitresses dressed as sexy nurses that will cart your fat ass off in a wheelchair if you can somehow finish the Quadruple Bypass Burger! This place is balls-out the manliest restaurant on the face of the earth, taking pride in the fact that they’ve pissed off so many real nurses with their scantly clad doppelgangers that they post the real RN’s furious posts on the front page of their website.

Check them out at: http://www.heartattackgrill.com

Finally K-Fed Up!

While the elections raged on overnight and the republicans slowly scurried back to their holes, the real news on Tuesday night was the pending divorce of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. The 24-year-old pop star filed for divorce from Federline Tuesday citing "irreconcilable differences and the fact that he’s a huge douche bag." The real news was the unfortunate timing of the divorce and the fact that it was overshadowed by the “election”. When questioned about the timing Britney said “I had no idea American Idol was already back on, I would have waited until everyone voted if I had only known.”

When a distraught Federline was finally tracked down he only had this to say “I had know idea that our marriage had fizzled my dizzle.” quickly followed by “Can I borrow a dollar?”

In other news; Las Vegas odds makers placed the line at 2:1 that a Spears/Federline sex tape will be released in the next six months. Hustler president Larry Flint is already buying up all possible web domains including but not limited to: “Baby do me one more time”, “I’m a slut 4 u” and “Britney & Kevin: Gross!”

VOTE FOR FREEDOM!

Freedom isn’t always free, please remember to get out and vote!

It’s Like Taking Babies From a Candy Machine

Another day, another baby stuck in a “claw” vending machine. Recently in picturesque Antigo Wisconsin, a three-year-old boy went fishing for a stuffed replica of Sponge Bob and ended up trapped in a vending machine. His parents desperately tried to free him but only managed to catch an overstuffed Scooby-Doo doll, which the father proclaimed was almost as good. Expert “claw” machine gamer Cliff Jamison was called in to remove the boy. “The key is to go for the ear, it’s spongy with good elasticity for the claws grip” Cliff reported. Three dollars and fifty cents later the small child had been retrieved. “This is not the first time a child has been stuck in a “claw” machine” Cliff said after the rescue. “I’ve clawed many a child over the past few years. It’s really turned into a lucrative business for me.

Pictured: Cliff Jamison’s recent rescues.

In related news Michael Jackson has reportedly installed a fleet of “Thriller” claw machines in major retailers across the nation.

Bisexual Transgendered and Two-Spirited Aleutian Eskimos

Wisconsin’s Republican Paul R. Nelson is running for congress. His opponent Democrat Ron Kind is apparently a freakish sex fiend who “Pays for Sex” and studies the sex lives of Vietnamese prostitutes, masturbation habits of old men and has personally studied Bisexual Transgendered and Two-Spirited Aleutian Eskimos. Sounds like my kind (not a pun) of candidate. Check out Paul’s completely real campaign commercial at http://nelson.sitebuilder.completecampaigns.com/common/media.php?id=6442