Lethargic-E's Random Nonsense

The Weather Outside is Frightful

2008-04-19T11:48:00.000-07:00

Rick Emerson: “Oregon Entertainer of theYear!”

2008-03-24T23:00:00.000-07:00

Congratulations Rick Emerson and the Rick Emerson Show crew for being named the “Oregon Entertainer of the Year”. Way to win it again guys!!!

In Related News: Lars Larsen is a real man's man…If you know what I mean.

Love That Booty!!!

2007-10-24T23:09:00.000-07:00

Now this probably isn’t the first time I’ve exclaimed my love of booty (thank you J-Lo) but it is the first time that the booty I speak of is a delicious snack food. Some of you may know that I’ve been trying to eat healthier, but nothing is worse than health food! That’s why I’ve been on a search for a decent healthy snack food and man did I ever find it. In fact Pirate’s Booty (produced by Robert’s American Gourmet) is more than just decent, it’s fricken’ awesome! It looks like popcorn and tastes like gourmet Cheetos, Pirate’s Booty tastes to good to be health food. Made from rice, corn and aged white cheddar, Pirate’s Booty is definitely a real treasure. I cannot recommend the Booty enough. I took a bag to work and I couldn’t keep the ladies away from my Booty. So don’t delay dive into some Booty today.

Available at Most Grocery Stores
Pirate's Booty Website

The Real Threat to America

2007-10-06T00:42:00.000-07:00

The Simpsonizer

2007-08-08T15:02:00.000-07:00

While the new Simpsons movie may not live up to all of our hopes, this cool new website from the Simpsons and Burger King just might make up for it. Just take a snap-shot of your ugly mug and upload it to their site. Within minutes you’ll be transformed into your yellow faced alter-ego. Check mine out!

Click here to Simpsonize yourself

That’s a lot of Bacon

2007-06-05T22:12:00.000-07:00

Holy Hell! When I first saw this picture I called shenanigans, but when I saw CNN was running it I new there must be something to it. So here’s the story: an 11-year-old Alabama boy used a pistol to kill a wild hog that weighed a staggering 1,051 pounds and measured 9-feet-4 from the tip of its snout to the base of its tail. Think hams as big as car tires.

Baby Rambo shot the BIG pig eight times with a .50 caliber revolver and executed it hit-man style with a point-blank shot to the head. The hog’s ginormous head is now being mounted on an extra large foam form to be lovely hung above little Rambo’s bed. Good luck with the nightmares bucko! The rest of Hogzilla is being made into a reported 500 to 700 pounds of sausage. Well done Alabama hillbillies, enjoy your sausage fest!

That’s all folks

MonsterPig

Pandora Rocks

2007-05-31T15:47:00.000-07:00

Just as TIVO has revolutionized the way you watch TV, Pandora will change the way you listen to radio. I’ve been a Pandora user for about a year now and it is consistently the best way I’ve found for discovering new music. Simply enter the name of a song or band you like and let Pandora work its magic. Soon it will not only find the song or band you requested but also a whole bunch of other songs and bands that have a similar sound. Thanks to Pandora, my Ipod list has grown two fold and the best part about Pandora is that it’s free! So don’t delay, sign-up today!

Pandora – Music Genome Project

Listen Up!

2007-05-22T11:09:00.000-07:00

There are so few funny things left in this world that I feel obligated to share every amusing piece of entertainment I can with you. Finding a consistent daily source of humor is harder than finding gas under $3.00. Other than the few obvious (The Daily Show, children on the short bus) there is a real lack of daily humor in our lives. So I present to you; the Rick Emerson radio show. The Rick Emerson show has been on and off Portland radio for years and I for one am entertained by it on a daily basis. The show’s concept is simple; Tim Riley “The News Man” reports the day’s news stories while Rick lambastes them with his inane and humorous observations. Check it out; I’m sure it’s better than whatever you’re doing right now.

Rick Emerson Show
Rick Emerson Podcast

Top 5 Comedies You Should TIVO Now!

2007-05-22T10:22:00.000-07:00

If your not already watching these shows, you should TIVO them now or admit that you support terrorism.

1.) The Office
2.) Arrested Development (Reruns play on G4)
3.) Moral Oral
4.) Reno 911
5.) How I Met Your Mother

FISH ON!

2007-04-24T21:28:00.000-07:00

Six Pack of Beer: $6.99

Day Fishing Tag: $12.00

Fishing on a Tuesday Instead of Working: Priceless

Hell Yeah!

A Blog for Kermit the Frog

2007-04-04T23:09:00.000-07:00

What's red and green and goes 50 miles per hour? A frog in a blender!

Ha Ha, but you know what’s even funnier?

Kermit the frog singing my favorite Nine Inch Nails song!

It’s good to be green!

Funniest news story ever….EVER!

2007-03-02T23:40:00.000-08:00

I have conveniently highlighted the funniest parts of this story for those of you who are “short-bus” slow.

Galway, Ireland; Man arrested in hotel, donkey mishap.

Thomas Aloysius McCarney was recently found dressed in latex and handcuffs along side his donkey in a Galway city centre hotel, because he was advised “to get out and meet people,” the local court heard last week.

Mr. McCarney was charged with cruelty to animals, lewd and obscene behavior, and being a danger to himself when he appeared before the court on Friday. He was also charged with damage to a mini-bar in the room, but this charge was later dropped when the defendant said that it was the donkey who caused that damage.

The lawyer for the accused Ms. Sharon Fitzhenry said that her client had been through a difficult time lately and that his wife had left him and that his life had become increasingly lonely. “Mr. McCarney has been attending counseling at which he advised that he should get out and meet people and do interesting things. It was this advice that saw him book into the city centre hotel with a donkey,” she said. She added that Mr. McCarney also suffered from a fixation with the Shrek movies and could constantly be heard at work talking to himself saying things like “Isn’t that right, Donkey?”

Hotel supervisor John McBrearty told the court that Mr. McCarney who had signed in as “ Mr. Shrek” had told hotel staff that the donkey was a family pet and that this was believed by the hotel receptionist who the hotel supervisor said was “young and did not speak great English. The receptionist Irina Legova said that Mr. McCarney had told her that the donkey was a breed of “super rabbit” which he was bringing to a pet fair in the city. The court was told that the donkey went berserk in the middle of the night and ran amok in the hotel corridor, forcing hotel staff to call the police.

McCarney was found in the room wearing a latex suit and handcuffs, the key to which the donkey is believed to have swallowed. He was removed to the St. Mill police station after which it is said he was the subject of much mirth among the lads next door in The Galway Arms.

He was fined €2,000 for bringing the donkey to the room under the Unlawful Accommodation of Donkeys Act 1837. Other charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Read the original source of this story here.

“Isn’t that right, Donkey?”

deMOTIVATION

2007-03-02T23:10:00.000-08:00

Increasing success by lowering expectations.

Perfect for Home, Office or Homeless Shelter.

These brilliant Demotivational posters are available at Despair, Inc.

Buy them now!

Brutal Stabbing At Leia's Birthday

2007-02-26T22:56:00.000-08:00

It’s unfortunate when parties get out of hand.

Teenagers today binge drink so much that they freak out and turn to the dark side.

This video contains graphic violence.

Please view at your own discretion.

I Have Power in My Pelvis!

2007-01-31T23:09:00.000-08:00

Bush Bash!

2007-01-17T23:12:00.000-08:00

Yep, he's our leader!

Circle Circle Dot Dot

2007-01-17T23:06:00.000-08:00

My New Favorite Song!!!

Ice Ice Baby

2007-01-17T22:52:00.000-08:00

Fun driving in Portland, Oregon!

It's Fun to Learn

2007-01-05T23:27:00.000-08:00

This one goes out to my Mom, thanks for keeping me learn-ed!

Hang in there Saddam

2007-01-02T14:01:00.000-08:00

I'm sure 2007 will be better.

‘Tis the Season to be Lazy

2007-01-02T13:52:00.000-08:00

I must apologize for my lack of posts as I have been in a drunken hibernation. However my resolution for 2007 is to spend more time and effort working on my blog rather than being a productive member of society.

Happy New Years!

Fact or Crap?

2006-12-06T22:35:00.000-08:00

From Wired Magazine;

Fiction: A drunken teenager can tip over a sleeping cow.
Fact: It would take several semisober people and a paralyzed cow. Anyway, cows sleep lying down.

Fiction: If you fall into quicksand, you’ll be sucked under and die. Fact: You’ll only sink up to your waist.
Fiction: Sitting too close to the TV will ruin your eyes.Fact: It causes fatigue but no permanent damage.

Fiction: Earth’s rotation causes bathtubs, sinks, and toilets to drain clockwise in the northern hemisphere, counterclockwise in the southern hemisphere.
Fact: They can go either way in either hemisphere. The shape of the basin and the direction of the incoming flow overwhelm the minuscule effect of planetary spin.

Fiction: Benjamin Franklin’s kite was struck by lightning.
Fact: The kite picked up electricity from the air, causing an arc between Franklin’s hand and a key tied to his end of the string.

Fiction: A penny dropped from the top of a skyscraper can kill someone.
Fact: It could never pick up enough velocity to kill, just to bang you up a little.

Fiction: Swimming after you eat will cause cramps and lead to drowning.
Fact: There is a very slight risk of cramps, but only for vigorous swimmers.

Fiction: There’s a dark side of the moon.
Fact: The entire lunar surface receives sunlight during the moon’s monthly orbit around Earth.

Fiction: Swallowed chewing gum takes seven years to digest.
Fact: Gum is not digested. It passes through the gastro-intestinal system, usually within 24 hours.

Check out the original article here.

Merry Christmas Grandma!

2006-12-05T22:46:00.000-08:00

The holiday season is upon us and as you settle down with your family decorating and spreading holiday cheer I’m sure you’re probably wondering “How can I sex up our lord and saviors birthday?” Well the answer is here and it comes in the form of vulgar Christmas decorations called Pornaments. That’s right, I said Pornaments and they’re more that just a clever play on words, they’re actually semi (no pun intended) humorous decorations. A sure hit at Christmas parties; they’re perfect for your nieces and nephews, the pasture at your church or the grandma who always sews you an ugly sweater. Pornaments can be found online at www.rubberroom.com or picked up at your local malls Spencer’s store.

In related news: Hell has frozen over!

The Cemetery Salesman

2006-12-01T23:39:00.000-08:00

I love telemarketing pranks, and this is a great one. This telemarketer sounds caring for a second, but never stops trying to make the sale. That’s just a good employee!!

Lazy Sunday Bitch!

2006-11-30T23:03:00.000-08:00

I’m too lazy and tired to come up with a good post. So here is a favorite video of mine.

It’s a rip off of SNL’s Lazy Sunday, but it’s still awesome!

Iraq conflict passes WWII

2006-11-28T22:33:00.000-08:00

Nothing funny about this. The Iraq war has officially lasted longer than World War II. Way to over-achieve Dubya! World War II lasted 1348 days and now you’re “War on Terror” has lasted many days more with no end in site. While the casualty totals are know where near WWII the 3000 dead US Soldiers and 25,000 Injured Soldiers along with hundreds of thousands dead Iraqis are nothing to be proud about. If the words “cut and run” scare you come up with some new ones and get the hell out of Iraq! This is not your war to lose!

Million Dollar Deal!

2006-11-27T22:43:00.000-08:00

This goes out to my homie BIG WILL

Ironic Post: Clay Aiken Allergic to Nuts

2006-11-26T23:11:00.000-08:00

Singer Clay Aiken battles allergy to nuts, complains about frequent rash on chin.

Read All About It

Don’t Forget the Fries!

2006-11-25T23:42:00.000-08:00

It’s Never Too Early

2006-11-24T23:06:00.000-08:00

Christmas is coming and you’re looking for that one special gift for the young lady in your life. Well look no more. Tesco (the Costco of Europe) is offering the Peek-a-Boo pole dancing game, complete with instructional DVD, “Sexy dance garter” and chrome pole (extendible to over 8ft!).

Advertised to “Unleash the sex kitten inside...simply extend the Peek-a-Boo pole inside the tube, slip on the sexy tunes and away you go! Soon you'll be flaunting it to the world and earning a fortune in Peek-a-boo Dance Dollars". This is clearly the holiday gift of the season. Forget the Playstation 3 or the TMX Elmo; this is a gift that’s not only fun, but educational. That’s right girls, you’ll no longer require a creepy uncle (who enjoys giving massages while watching Hillary Duff videos) to join the world of clothing optional dancing. Fifty dollars and a Tesco membership is all it takes! Santa my have the North Pole but Tesco has the Peek-a-Boo Pole!

Buy yours today: Tesco Peek-A-Boo Pole Dancing Game

Happy Thanksgiving!

2006-11-23T23:19:00.000-08:00

Pardon Me!

2006-11-22T23:02:00.000-08:00

This picture was so great that I just couldn’t choose one caption. So I leave it up to you. Please post your favorite under the comments section.

The democrats wanted him to stop, but Bush insisted that he stay the course.
He would have made the turkey stop if she didn’t have such great breasts.
A bird in crotch is worth two on Bush.
I can only withdraw once the Turkey wants me to withdraw.
Clearly Bush was still confused on what it meant to stimulate the economy.
As you can see my friends, this is what gay marriage leads to.
Operation Butterball was in full effect.
“Oh No!” cried the senator in the red tie. “The turkey’s attacking his only working brain!”
That’s the dumbest turkey ever, and that birds not so smart either.
“Look at the bird” laughed Bush “I think I’ll call it Condi”.
That’s Bush for you, always accepting bribes.
Unfortunately it’s the least offensive thing Bush has done in years.

Best Tattoo Ever!

2006-11-21T23:26:00.000-08:00

Kramer’s a Racist!

2006-11-20T22:48:00.000-08:00

Not nearly as funny as Seinfeld’s “What’s the deal with Mexican’s” routine.

Racing Grannies

2006-11-19T22:59:00.000-08:00

In continuation of my “Coolest Gifts Ever” section I submit to you the Racing Grannies. Quite possibly the best gift featuring high speed blue hairs ever! Just wind them up and let them race, should one fall over just scream “Oh no Nanna broke a hip” and start again. Its fun for the whole family, including your real granny who can no longer race (or hold her bladder).

Buy Yours Here

2006-11-18T23:54:00.000-08:00

Mike Tyson is a Hooker!

2006-11-17T23:18:00.000-08:00

Hey ladies, have you been dreaming about paying a fantastic amount of money to sleep with a convicted rapist? Heidi Fleiss thinks so. In what may be the strangest Mike Tyson story since… well the last Mike Tyson story comes news that he will soon be a male escort? Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss has purchased 60 acres of land in Nevada and is building a legalized brothel for women. While this might seem like a genius idea, since it’s so hard for women to get laid, Heidi knew she would need a little more punch (pun intended) to draw the ladies in. Ms. Fleiss has high hopes for Tyson, the once heavyweight champion of the world - despite the fact he is a convicted rapist. She had this to say of the former ear biter, "I told him, 'You're going to be my big stallion.' "It's every man's fear that their girlfriend will go for Mike Tyson." Tyson, 40, adds, "I don't care what any man says, it's every man's dream to please every woman - and get paid for it."

Keep your eyes peeled for Tyson’s Craigslist ad:

Former heavy weight champion of the world. Likes wet-willies, rough play, long walks on the beach and eating children. Dislikes smokers, Evander Holyfield, Don King and the IRS. Call me and we will go out for a bite.

--------------- May the Force Be With You! ------------------------------- (because nobody else is) -----------------

2006-11-16T23:01:00.000-08:00

The day has come for the Jedi. On November 16th they shall rise up from their parent’s basements and attempt to use their Jedi mind tricks on UN officials. For those of you who are clearly less informed than me, the 16th is the UN International Day of Tolerance, which is aimed at emphasizing the dangers of intolerance and promoting integration and cohesion across the globe.

Two self-proclaimed Jedis Umada and Yunyun are calling for the UN to acknowledge what has become Britain's fourth largest ‘religion’ with 390,000 followers. Umada, 27, and Yunyun, 24, both from London, want the day to be renamed the ‘Interstellar Day of Tolerance’ to reflect millions of people across the globe who have chosen to follow the Jedi code as a religion and truly reflect social diversity.

YES IT’S TRUE: In the 2001 UK Census 390,000 people listed their religion as Jedi Knight making it the fourth biggest belief in the country. There are also an estimated 70,000 Jedi knights in Australia, 53,000 in New Zealand and 20,000 in Canada.

Should your attempts fail young Jedi, please remember the words of the greatest Jedi ever;

"Size matters not! Judge me by my size, do you?"

Yoda--The Empire Strikes Back

In other words it’s not the size of your lightsaber but rather how you use it to strike down Sith Lords.

Now Who's the Tool?

2006-11-14T23:27:00.000-08:00

Since we are getting close to Christmas, I thought it would be a great time to start the search for the coolest gift ever. I plan to search high and low and I will periodically update you with my cool gift ideas. So to kick it off right, I introduce to you the coolest fridge ever!

This is the Craftworks Toolbox Refrigerator. On the outside it looks like your standard run-of-the-mill tool chest, but within its bountiful insides lies not a hammer or drill but rather crisp adult beverages that will get you hammered and drilled…I don’t know where I was going with that second pun but you get the idea. This thing rocks!

Watch for future cool items in the coming days as we countdown to overspending all in the lords name. Amen!

Daddy Does God Hate Me?

2006-11-13T22:35:00.000-08:00

Of course not son, you’re a heterosexual white male.

Actually God loves and cares for us all, and so does artist Jack Chick unless of course you’re a dirty:

Muslim
Mason
Catholic
Gay
Missionary
Mormon
Pro-Choice Advocate
Jehovah Witness
Communist
Witch
Hindu
Or Buddhist

But then of course he feels compassion for you unless you:

Believe in Evolution
Celebrate Halloween
Like to Party
Practice Magic
Or play Dungeons & Dragons.

He really is the Simon Cowell of the Christian world (extremely judgemental!)

In Relate News: "Judge not, that ye be not judged.” (Matthew 7:1-5)

Minjas Will Kill Your Ass!

2006-11-12T22:49:00.000-08:00

Life's burning questions keeping you awake at night?

Well wonder no more, just Ask a Ninja!

Here we ask if midgets can be ninjas.

Check out this bad-ass sight, or be killed! www.askaninja.com

2006-11-10T22:58:00.000-08:00

A Burger to Die For!

2006-11-09T22:56:00.000-08:00

The Heart Attack Grill in Tempe, Arizona is certainly doing their part in fattening up the nation. Their “Quadruple Bypass Burger” comes loaded with four slabs of beef, three cheese layers, four bacon strips and a dash of lettuce and tomatoes for you health freaks. This monstrosity weighs in at an unhealthy 2 plus pounds and contains a weeks worth of calories (8000 to be exact). For those of you not ready for an instant coronary they offer the slightly smaller triple and double bypass burgers as well as the equally hard core “Flatliner Fries” which are lovingly fried in pure lard. But the best part of this totally kick-ass restaurant is the waitresses dressed as sexy nurses that will cart your fat ass off in a wheelchair if you can somehow finish the Quadruple Bypass Burger! This place is balls-out the manliest restaurant on the face of the earth, taking pride in the fact that they’ve pissed off so many real nurses with their scantly clad doppelgangers that they post the real RN’s furious posts on the front page of their website.

Check them out at: http://www.heartattackgrill.com

Finally K-Fed Up!

2006-11-08T16:11:00.000-08:00

While the elections raged on overnight and the republicans slowly scurried back to their holes, the real news on Tuesday night was the pending divorce of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. The 24-year-old pop star filed for divorce from Federline Tuesday citing "irreconcilable differences and the fact that he’s a huge douche bag." The real news was the unfortunate timing of the divorce and the fact that it was overshadowed by the “election”. When questioned about the timing Britney said “I had no idea American Idol was already back on, I would have waited until everyone voted if I had only known.”

When a distraught Federline was finally tracked down he only had this to say “I had know idea that our marriage had fizzled my dizzle.” quickly followed by “Can I borrow a dollar?”

In other news; Las Vegas odds makers placed the line at 2:1 that a Spears/Federline sex tape will be released in the next six months. Hustler president Larry Flint is already buying up all possible web domains including but not limited to: “Baby do me one more time”, “I’m a slut 4 u” and “Britney & Kevin: Gross!”

VOTE FOR FREEDOM!

2006-11-07T12:03:00.000-08:00

Freedom isn’t always free, please remember to get out and vote!

It’s Like Taking Babies From a Candy Machine

2006-11-06T08:41:00.000-08:00

Another day, another baby stuck in a “claw” vending machine. Recently in picturesque Antigo Wisconsin, a three-year-old boy went fishing for a stuffed replica of Sponge Bob and ended up trapped in a vending machine. His parents desperately tried to free him but only managed to catch an overstuffed Scooby-Doo doll, which the father proclaimed was almost as good. Expert “claw” machine gamer Cliff Jamison was called in to remove the boy. “The key is to go for the ear, it’s spongy with good elasticity for the claws grip” Cliff reported. Three dollars and fifty cents later the small child had been retrieved. “This is not the first time a child has been stuck in a “claw” machine” Cliff said after the rescue. “I’ve clawed many a child over the past few years. It’s really turned into a lucrative business for me.

Pictured: Cliff Jamison’s recent rescues.

In related news Michael Jackson has reportedly installed a fleet of “Thriller” claw machines in major retailers across the nation.

Bisexual Transgendered and Two-Spirited Aleutian Eskimos

2006-11-05T20:53:00.000-08:00

Wisconsin’s Republican Paul R. Nelson is running for congress. His opponent Democrat Ron Kind is apparently a freakish sex fiend who “Pays for Sex” and studies the sex lives of Vietnamese prostitutes, masturbation habits of old men and has personally studied Bisexual Transgendered and Two-Spirited Aleutian Eskimos. Sounds like my kind (not a pun) of candidate. Check out Paul’s completely real campaign commercial at http://nelson.sitebuilder.completecampaigns.com/common/media.php?id=6442